If you thought the “Wash Wash” pandemic in Nairobi’s clubs was the only scam running in this city, you haven’t been paying attention to the Treasury. While we were busy documenting how Nairobi’s club scene is a money laundering masterclass, the suits in the government were perfecting an even bigger hustle: the sovereign debt merry-go-round. Finance Minister John Mbadi - the man who spent years in the opposition shouting about how the “Hustler” government was ruining us - has finally settled into his office and realized that the only way to keep the lights on is to dig the hole deeper. On Wednesday, he stood there with a straight face and told us that Kenya is considering more Eurobonds. Let that sink in. We are taking out new high-interest credit cards to pay off the old ones we maxed out last year. It’s the financial equivalent of a Nairobi bachelor taking a loan from a Shylock to pay his rent at a house he can’t afford, just so he can keep up appearances for one more month. Mbadi calls it “liability management.” I call it a funeral for the Kenyan shilling. They’re also talking about a “$1 billion debt-for-food swap.” It sounds fancy, doesn’t it? Very “concessional.” But in reality, it’s a desperate admission that we’ve reached a point where we have to trade our lunch just to get the creditors to stop calling. And don’t get me started on the IMF. After the youth-led protests in 2024 nearly burned the house down over tax hikes, Ruto tried to act like he didn’t need the IMF’s “toxic” advice. Now? He’s back on his knees, begging for a new program before the end of the month. It’s like a toxic ex-relationship where both parties know they hate each other, but one has the money and the other has the bills. Then there’s the “Pride of Africa,” Kenya Airways. They want a “strategic investor” to dump $2 billion into that bottomless pit. Good luck finding an investor who isn’t a vulture looking to pick at the remaining feathers of a bird that hasn’t flown straight in a decade. The government is even switching railway loans from dollars to Chinese Yuan, hoping to save a few coins on interest. It’s a nice bit of accounting magic, but at the end of the day, a debt is a debt, whether you’re paying it in dollars, yuan, or cowries. Ruto has an election next year. He needs the “redemption profile” to look smooth so he can tell the mwananchi that the economy is growing at 4.9%. But ask anyone on the streets of CBD if they feel that 4.9% in their pockets. They don’t. All they feel is the weight of the golden shovel the government is using to bury us all. Enjoy the “smooth” repayment schedule while it lasts, Nairobi. The bill always comes due, and we’re the ones who’ll be washing the dishes.