So, the Man from Sugoi took his private jet to Mandera Stadium to tell us what we already know: Al-Shabaab are “useless.” Aki, the genius it must take to fly all that way just to name-call a terror group that has been outsmarting our intelligence services for a decade. It’s the same old Nairobi script - dress up in a Kaunda suit, stand on a podium, and ask the locals to “help” the government do the job we pay taxes for. If calling thugs “useless” worked, Nairobi would be the safest city on earth by now.

The headline act was the NYOTA Business Start-up fund - Sh134 million spread across 2,240 people. Do the math before you clap. That’s about Sh60,000 per person. In this economy? That’s barely enough to buy a decent display fridge and pay the first month’s bribe to the county askaris. We’re being told this is “development” and “growth,” but it feels more like a temporary sedative for a region that has been neglected since independence. Opening the border post sounds great for trade, but it sounds even better for the “useless” people Ruto is shouting at.

Watching this government navigate security and the economy is starting to feel like the desperation of the Sugar Season 2 sci-fi pivot. When the original plot - lowering the cost of living - completely falls apart, you just start introducing wild new subplots to keep the audience from switching off. One minute it’s “Team Mbogi” in Umoja, the next it’s threatening to arrest Governors who treat Senate summons like optional wedding invitations. It’s all noise to drown out the sound of empty pockets.

And of course, he couldn’t leave without throwing stones at the opposition. Accusing people of stealing relief food while you’re standing on a stage built with public money is the kind of irony only a Kenyan politician can master without blushing. He talks about “incompetence” like he wasn’t in the same government for years. It’s a merry-go-round of the same faces, swapping seats and pretending the view has changed.

Meanwhile, the Senate is playing tough, acting like they’ll actually enforce oversight. We’ve seen this movie before. Governors will ignore summons, the police will “confirm readiness” to do nothing, and the cycle continues. Even this new petition to recall the President and Governors mid-term feels like a pipedream. In this city, the only thing that gets recalled is a faulty batch of flour, not a politician with a motorcade.

At the end of the day, Mandera gets a few shillings and a lot of hot air. The rest of us get to watch the President continue his “scheduled engagements without disruption” while the real disruption - hunger and insecurity - continues to operate with total efficiency. Welcome to the New Kenya, same as the Old Kenya, just with better branding.