Nairobi is a city of mirrors, and right now, everyone is busy trying to reflect a lifestyle they can’t afford. We’ve moved past the era of wilting roses and cheap chocolate. Now, if a man doesn’t show up with a bouquet of crisp US Dollars or Euros, he’s apparently “low effort.”

What the mainstream media calls a “romantic trend,” I call a collective mental breakdown. We are in the middle of an economic squeeze that has most people skipping meals, yet men are queuing at forex bureaus like they’re making international trade deals. They aren’t buying those dollars to invest or hedge against the Shilling’s inevitable slide; they’re buying them so a florist can poke wires through George Washington’s face.

The Central Bank of Kenya (CBK) has finally piped up, warning people against defacing bank notes. It’s hilarious that the government only cares about the integrity of the currency when it’s being turned into a centerpiece. They don’t seem to mind the “integrity” of our economy being shredded in other ways, much like how the state Enables Western Countries and Billionaires to Experiment on Africans. We are constantly looking for validation from the West, whether it’s through their medicine or their green-colored paper.

Let’s be real: these bouquets aren’t for the recipient. They are for the “Gram.” It’s a transaction. The man buys the status, the woman posts the proof, and for twenty-four hours, they can pretend they aren’t one emergency away from a fundraising WhatsApp group.

There is something deeply tragic about watching someone struggle to find “crisp” notes at a bank just to hand them over to a florist who will charge a “service fee” that’s probably higher than the value of the flowers themselves. You’re paying a premium to give someone cash. It’s the height of stupidity.

Once the Valentine’s Day high wears off, you’re left with crumpled notes that some frustrated teller at a petrol station will probably reject. You’ve insulted your wallet, annoyed the CBK, and provided three seconds of entertainment for your followers.

Romance in Nairobi has become a crash course in bad math. If you need to use foreign currency to prove you love someone, it’s not a relationship; it’s a poorly managed hedge fund. And like most hedge funds in this city, it’s bound to collapse the moment the “investor” runs out of credit.