The Communications Authority (CA) is back with its usual script, acting like a concerned parent while holding a whip behind its back. This latest “warning” about non-type-approved phones is a classic Nairobi masterclass in gaslighting. They want us to believe they are deeply worried about our “electromagnetic compatibility” and “health risks,” but let’s be real, since when did this government care about our health? If they did, Kenyatta National Hospital wouldn’t be a place where you go to wait for the inevitable.

This isn’t about safety; it’s about control and, more importantly, the taxman’s cut. They claim 40 percent of phones in Kenya are counterfeit. What they actually mean is that 40 percent of phones were brought in through channels that didn’t allow the government to squeeze every last cent out of the buyer. In a country where the cost of living has squeezed the middle class into extinction, people buy what they can afford. If a “non-type-approved” phone from a backstreet in Luthuli Avenue allows a mama mboga to run her business, she’s going to buy it. She doesn’t have the luxury of checking the CA’s “licensee register” while her kids are hungry.

The irony is thick. While the government brags about technological leaps, like how Starlink latency in Kenya has plummeted 87 percent, they are simultaneously making it harder for the average person to even own a basic device to access that internet. It’s the Kenyan way: build a highway and then make the toll so high that only the people who don’t need the highway can afford to use it.

And let’s talk about that *#06# tracking. They’re “strongly advising” you to send your IMEI number to 1555. In a world where data is the new gold, you’re essentially volunteering to be put on a government list. They want to know exactly who has what device, where it came from, and how they can eventually disable it if you don’t play by their rules.

Vendors are being threatened with “enforcement action,” which is just code for more bribes to be paid to the police and inspectors during their “market surveillance.” At the end of the day, the price of “approved” phones will go up, the bribes will be factored into the cost, and the Kenyan consumer will, as usual, be the one left holding a dead battery. It’s not a safety directive; it’s a shakedown.