Welcome to the “Company of Kenya,” where your ID card isn’t a symbol of citizenship, but a worthless share certificate in a firm that’s already been hollowed out. We all heard Riggy G shouting about “shareholders” from the mountaintop, and we thought he was just being his usual unrefined self. Turns out, the man was just reading the minutes of the last board meeting. These court documents prove that while you were dancing at rallies, the “Kazi ni Kazi” crew was busy dividing the country into percentages like a carcass at a Dagoretti slaughterhouse.

The math is as cold as a Nairobi July. 47% for the President’s side, 35% for the Deputy’s, and the remaining crumbs for whatever “entitlement” was left for the rest of the 40-plus tribes. It wasn’t about merit, “bottom-up” economics, or fixing the mess left by the previous regime. It was a political prenup signed in blood and tribal ink. If you’re wondering why your CV is gathering dust while some well-connected cousin is heading a parastatal, now you have the formula. You aren’t incompetent; you just aren’t a majority shareholder.

And let’s stop pretending Gachagua’s impeachment was some grand moral cleansing. Please. This wasn’t about “national unity” or “cleansing the soul of the nation.” It was a contract dispute. The senior partner decided the junior partner was making too much noise at the office, so he triggered the exit clause. Gachagua’s crime wasn’t being a tribalist; his crime was being honest about the tribalism they all agreed to in private. He forgot the first rule of the cartel: don’t shout the secret password when the cameras are on.

While the “shareholders” are busy fighting over their percentages, they’re moving their dividends into places like 37 by INEZA. Must be nice, right? Five-bedroom townhouses in Runda with Padel courts and heated pools while the rest of us are fighting over the price of unga and the shambles of the SHIF transition. It’s the perfect Nairobi irony - the people who carved up the country based on tribe are the ones living in “harmonious” luxury developments, far away from the ethnic divisions they manufacture to stay in power.

This whole saga just confirms what every realist in this city knows: the government is a private members’ club with a very expensive gate pass. The veneer of democracy has been stripped away, leaving behind the raw, ugly skeleton of ethnic patronage. We were promised a transformation, but all we got was a hostile takeover. As we watched the drama unfold, it’s clear that Ruto Cannot Make Kenya Singapore when the business model is built on hoarding shares instead of building a nation. Stay informed, stay cynical, and remember: if you aren’t at the table, you’re definitely on the menu.